“This blog wishes to state that any similarity between any persons, living or dead, and the shared correspondence you are about to see is purely coincidental and not intended.”
FOUND CORRESPONDENCE DATED: November 4, 1978
Miss. Anne Welles
Former Super Model
Gillian Girl Cosmetics
NY, NY 10003
How’s it going, Toots?
Lyon told me about your little accident on the flight back from Switzerland. I’m so sorry, but why did you get those cockamamie implants? Come on, Kid! Your tiny knockers were fine! Anyway, I hope they patched up the leaks! I wanted to drop you a line to lend you support. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Annie, who needs ‘em? With your classy looks and taste, who gives a damn if your flat as a board? You know somethin’, Annie? I’m jealous! No, I am! I plan on sharing all of this with Merv next week! I’m booked on his show and I owe you a solid!
Lyon tells me that you’re going to give up the Gillian Girl gig to serve on the board of directors. I think that’s great! I really do! I also think it’s great that you’ve gone with the wrinkles over the curves! Who needs modeling jobs when you can sit on your skinny tail and get the money by whispering out your classy opinions!
Oh, Lyon just walked in! Thought he was in the shower, but I guess he was just lying in my bed! Oh, you know Lyon! It’s been a while since we talked. You know you are my true friend. You really are.
Gotta run, Kid-o! Fox wants me for some glossies! You bet, Neely’s back! New movie and a record coming out next week! RCA finally managed to pull me back into the studio to make an album. Annie, it’s a disco record. It’s really groovy, Annie! The kids know the moves and I got the voice! Don’t bite any wooden nickels!
ps If you see that old hag, Helen Lawson, give her my love! I’m really enjoyed her performance as the Granny with a gun! I got it at one of those 42nd Street holes.
FOUND CORRESPONDENCE DATED: November 17, 1978
ASS William Morris Adjacent, Inc.
666 East of Main Street, #Z
Just ripped through your note! It was lovely to hear from you! I’m not sure who told you I had undergone a breast enhancement procedure, but they are mistaken. I wonder if it has to do with my assisting Miss. Lawson when she had to have an emergency procedure. I had to give the poor dear a lift. Of course that was a dental issue.
Things could not be better! I just got back from an event at The Guggenheim. It was lovely. They have just debuted a new exhibit of Diane Arbus’ work. It is stunning! I saw an amazing portrait of an elderly woman lying on a stoop. I thought of you, Neely. I think of you often.
I heard about your accident backstage at Merv’s studio. I am so sorry. I hope the floral arrangement arrived in time. I called Merv and he assured me that you would be fine. Neely, you really must take care when walking with a liquor bottle in your hand. I hope it was an unopened gift for Merv and that your are not drinking again. I eagerly await the release of your album! Isn’t disco simply marvelous! I’m afraid I’ve become a bit of a regular at this sweet little club here in the city. It’s called Studio 54! Have you heard of it?
Lyon? I’m not sure to whom you referred. Surely you do not mean Lyon Burke. Neely, Lyon passed away some time ago. It is essential that you stop blocking that horrid accident with Ted Casablanca. It wasn’t your fault, darling. And that was proven in court! How could you have known that Lyon was seeing Mr. Casablanca behind your back? I don’t care what Rona Barrett says! Speaking of scandals, have you heard from Jennifer? I’m worried for the dear. I’ve not heard from her in some time. Hope you are on the mend.
ps I think it best that you stop calling Liza. It’s not your fault. Liza is just trying to pursue a healthier path. XOXO, Annie
FOUND CORRESPONDENCE DATED: December 11, 1978
Miss. Anne Welles
Fancy Pants CEO
Gillian Girl Cosmetics
NY, NY 10003
Cha-Cha Annie! Thanks for the pretty flowers. I decided they look best on the floor. If I tilt my head a certain way they look like wilted adoration. It’s been a difficult couple of weeks. The doc says I will be better than ever as soon as the stitches heal! I guess my new hip is made of the same cheap plastic that Jennifer wore as bracelets! Go figure!
Jennifer. Last time I saw her she wanted to know where she could get a hydroclonic. A hydroclonic. I was able to help her when she wanted an abortion, but I don’t even know what that is! She told me it’s when they shove a hose up your ass and empty out your colon. Jeez! And to think that she was the one who wanted a husband and kiddies. Now she doesn’t even want to take a shit. Sorry, Annie. I know how you feel about cuss words. It’s a good thing you didn’t pursue work as an actress. You’d never have cut it.
It’s tough, Annie. I work myself so far to the bone they have to replace my hip with plastic! My sponsor
therapist tells me I crave mass attention. I don’t. I just want applause. Real applause! Not canned like that crap that Polar used on his sad variety show. Man! And I try, Annie. I really try.
I’m tired of the green dolls. I wanna try some of those red ones! I wake up, and take two green dollies ones so I can get out there! I take some off-color babies to keep up my glow, but then I have to take two yellow dolls just so I can sleep. It’s not easy having to sparkle.
Sparkle, Neely! Sparkle! Boobies all of ’em!
Lyon and Ted? Oh, yeah. I forgot. Who needs, em’? Right Annie? And those goes double for that bitch, Helen Lawson!
Right! Besides I got me a man! A real man! His name is Roddy! That’s right, babe. Roddy McDowall! And I know what you and everyone is saying! Well, not you! Not my sweet and sensible Annie! But, I swear he’s not a BRIT! And I’m just the dame to prove it! Besides he’s really connected and made a whole lotta money playing a monkey! Anyways, he got me a gig on a big deal TV show. It’s a big show, Annie. I get to be a judge with a mallet sort of thing! And I will be judging talent! I’m the ticket to judge talent! Watch out for falling bricks,
FOUND CORRESPONDENCE DATED: February 10, 1979
Danvers State Mental Hospital
450 Maple Street
Dearest Neely, I apologize for not being there when you wake from the sedatives. I tried to stay, but Yves Saint Laurent was in a real bind and I had to fly out to Paris. Luckily he was able to secure a private jet to pick me up. I worry that I not only let you down, but poor sweet Willy as well! I was to have met him back in Lawrenceville, but I had to cancel. As you know, potential fashion issues must take precedent. Poor Willy. Oh Neely, it all seems to long ago. Who knew when I headed to New York that I’d be leaving his life forever. As Yves’ jet was landing I thought about the brutal climb to reach the peak of my success and glory. It’s at moments like that I am relived that Momma and Aunt Amy invested me with solid New England heart! No time for tears!
Now about your current situation. I was worried when you mentioned Roddy, Miss Taylor and The Gong Show. So I decided to get myself to your side right away! After a brief visit to Rome and a quick meeting in Greece, I caught the first flight out to California! I was so worried! My innocent and awkward, Neely! I should chastise you for not giving me the correct address. I hope you were not embarrassed! I must confess, Skid Row doesn’t smell very nice, but it is quite colorful. It was brimming over with life! I just wish life had a better scent. After I paid Paolo, he took me to your dwelling.
Oh, Neely. After all these years you should known better than to mix those dolls with liquor! I was able to pull some strings and secure a spot for you at The Betty Ford Clinic, but I decided you would not want that sort of publicity. So I had my people locate the most discreet rehabilitation center in the country! Only the best for my Neely!
Now I can imagine what you’re thinking, but The Danvers Lunatic Asylum is actually a deeply respected hospital. I was particularly drawn to Ward C in which you will be free to roam about. And after my inspection, I realized the entire ward smelled a bit like your lovely room at that Union Rescue building. I felt that familiar smell of yours would make you feel comfortable.
Neely, you are such a clever one! I know that you will be fresh and ready to get back to work in no time! I put some feelers out and was able to secure a role for you in the US touring company of “Fidler on the Roof!” No need to thank me! Yes, you have the role of understudy! The tour doesn’t start for another couple of months so there is plenty of time for you to rest! I’ve left bus fare along with the phone number for Zero Mostel’s Press Agent with your assigned custodian. His office is in the basement. Take care traversing those stairs!
Best Wishes, Anne Welles
FOUND CORRESPONDENCE DATED: September 2, 1979
Miss. Anne Welles
Gillian Girl Cosmetics
NY, NY 10003
Hi-ho, Annie! Sorry I didn’t write sooner but I decided best to wait until I had a writing tool other than my own shit! Can’t thank you enough for your help! With friends like you who needs MGM!?!? No worries. I’m tough. I looked at my stay in that loony bin as a vehicle for artistic experience. Actually, I was surprised at how quickly I was able to learn so many new tricks!
Turns out it really is in the breathing! You know, this really solved a couple of life’s challenges th Sorry if this makes you sad, but I had a slight stroke of luck! One of Jennifer’s nudie movies was screening in the Lobotomy Ward. That’s Ward C, Annie!
Anyway something rattled my cage and I remembered Jen’s phone number. After I was able to knock a couple of heads and get to a phone — I called! That shrew Miriam Polar answered. It took some fancy talking but she called Jen for me. Jen sent some skinny French guy to get me out. Yeah, I’m out. I’m free. And, yes, I’ve got a whole new set of teeth!
Road tour understudy? For fucking Topol in the role of “Tevye”? Seriously, Anne? I don’t think so! I’ve got other plans! Oh, yes! I’m about to turn the tables on the whole frickin’ industry! I’m ready. I’m going to do it all by myself! That’s right! I’m pulling it together and doing my own one woman show! And, baby, I’m gonna blow all of you dopes to hell! It’s going to be big, Annie. And I’m taking no prisoners! I’m putting it all in the show! I’m not leaving anything out!
Slap a pony!
ps They love me. They can’t help it. I’m Neely! Neely! Neely O’Hara!
ALERT! PRESS RELEASE! BREAKING NEWS!
Neely O’Hara Forcibly Removed From Theatre Lobby After Attacking Two B’Way Superstars!
Eye On The Stars · 1/25/1980 12:13AM
We wouldn’t have believed it if we hadn’t seen it for ourselves! Imagine our surprise when Celebrity Icon and Beloved Dame of American Theatre, Helen Lawson, was attacked by washed-up and bloated singer/actress, Neely O’Hara.
Ms. O’Hara, wearing what appeared to be a filthy “Property of Danvers State Mental Hospital” sheet, entered The Winter Garden Theatre, head-butted super cute Broadway starlet, Andrea McArdle. It was only after kicking poor Miss. McArdle’s unconscious body that Ms. O’Hara was able to make her way to the great Helen Lawson.
Ms. Lawson seemed to be as afraid as confused as she scrambled to protect her hair. Witnesses confirm our own eyes and ears! Ms. Lawson was screaming, “Not my wig! Not my wig!” the instant she noticed O’Hara bludgeoning her way across the lobby!
Neely O’Hara, rumored to have been committed to an infamous mental hospital, proceeded to scream out unintelligible words at the terrified superstar. Neely O’Hara attempted to club Ms. Lawson with a platform boot, but security pulled the unhinged former hitmaker to the ground.
Neely O’Hara was restrained and placed in a police van. We distinctly heard her yelling something about homosexuality, fashion, dolls, sparkling and Mount Everest as the police vehicle sped away from the theater.
We can confirm that Annie’s young starlet is doing well and is expected to be released from Mount Sinai early tomorrow. Helen Lawson suffered only minor scratches. We have been asked to state that Ms. Lawson does not wear a wig.
We reached out to Neely O’Hara’s glamorous longtime pal, Anne Welles for comment:
“Ms. Welles can you comment on Neely O’Hara’s recent deviant behavior at The Winter Garden Theatre?“
End. Ready for Publication.
Matty Stanfield, 10.11.2016